MY SELF LOVE JOURNEY
So it's been more than a year now since I started my self-love journey ... and it's been the best thing I've done for myself. Lately, on my social media I've been mentioning self love a lot more than usual .. but only because when I turn on the news (which I don't do often) there's always a story of someone (more often than not it's a kid) who has committed suicide and that BREAKS. MY HEART.
Just recently I was in the car with my mom and she was telling me about this sweet little girl I used to take care of and how she took a large dose of pills because she no longer wanted to live. Thankfully her mother got to her on time and she survived but imagine what could have happened had she not got there when she did?! ... This is a 12 year old girl with an entire world ahead of her what kind of reasons would she have to want to end her life? ....
then it got me thinking...
I was once that little girl.
To be clear I never actually did anything to hurt myself but just the thoughts alone were enough to scare me. Why couldn't I love myself enough to brush those thoughts away? It was harder said than done.
What projected such thoughts you may ask?
I had everything I needed ... a loving family, good friends, food on the table, clothes on my back. I had all the essentials. Yet I was lacking one very important trait: SELF LOVE.
"Lately I've felt weird, empty, but I've felt empty for a while now. I wish it would disappear. I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to feel this hole, this anxiety that makes me feel like I can't breathe" -Alondra
I could easily blame the toxic relationship I was in at that time for what I was going through. But looking back at it now I realize it was all within me. I was the only person who had control and I was letting my emotions take the best of me. It was up to me to change because after all I was the only one who aware of this battle.
I had no idea who I was and who I wanted to be.
I was surrounded by people but constantly felt very lonely.
I rarely talked because I felt like no one understood.
I smiled because that's what people do.
I would reply "I'm fine" because I felt no one actually wanted to hear the real answer.
I had all these feelings and I didn't know what to do with them. The only thing I knew how to do was write, so that is what I did.
Writing became my therapy. The long nights when my anxiety would kick in and all the crazy thoughts would come up ... I'd write. I'd write my little heart out with the unspeakable thoughts I could not understand. Every morning when the sun would peak through my windows I'd peep at my journal and question my actions, I couldn't bring myself to read the thoughts because once the sun was out it was as if I was no longer that person. Nothing made sense to me. All I knew was that writing made me feel like everything was going to be okay, that I wasn't alone. I had me and I was enough.
"Today was Thanksgiving day and I found myself being completely ungrateful, so ungrateful I wanted to end my life. I didn't get near a knife or near pills but I wanted to so bad. I've felt that way before or that urge before but this morning felt more real... I panicked and now I feel embarrassed and stupid and also very ungrateful. I have a family who loves me so much and friends who care for me.... I am so stupid." -Alondra
This was my breaking point/wakeup call. It was Thanksgiving day for crying out loud and I was in bed throwing a pity party for myself. I instantly knew I needed to change my act and that became my focus. As the year came to an end I made a lot of changes to the way I was living ... I started living with a PURPOSE.
I made a list of goals I wanted to complete that upcoming year and made it my mission to complete them.
It worked. It helped.
I learned so much about myself, I learned to love myself, to appreciate myself.
I started to speak my mind, to cry in front of others, to share my feelings... I realized it's okay to feel... it's okay to cry but more importantly it's NOT OKAY to feel alone to feel like your life is not worth living.
Just because your battles may not be as tough as others it doesn't mean they don't matter.
I matter. YOU matter.
I've wanted to write about this for a very long time... but I felt embarrassed. However, I came to realize (especially after hearing the sad story of the 12 year old girl) that everyone out there has battles of their own but no one is addressing them.
Do you really know the person next to you? Do you know yourself? Do YOU love yourself?
Ask yourself these questions... it's easy to flaunt a smile but it's even easier to speak your mind. You can't fake it forever.
"You'll heal. It just takes TIME."
I hated hearing this... but it's the absolute truth. All I wanted was to speed up time .. to no longer feel the way I did. But just like a bad wound it takes time for it to heal... as long as you stop picking on the scab it will heal.. and it will no longer hurt... and you will eventually be too happy to realize the scar is there.
Learn to forgive and forget those who have hurt you... live with a purpose... focus on the bigger picture: YOUR GOALS.
Watch your life go from negative to positive, real quick. The energy you give off is the energy you attract... so be mindful and be positive. Sometimes we can be our worst critics. Be kind to others but most importantly be kind to yourself.
Once you learn to love yourself everything else falls into place, I promise.
PS. You're not alone... if you can somehow relate to this and feel like no one understands you feel free to slide in my DMs. I got you, you are loved.